What a strange new year so far. In just days everything changed, and then nothing changed. I've been collecting too much stress and frustration, going out of my mind with things to do, find, fix, make happen. It's strange - when you have all the time in the world on your hands, there is seldom anything to do. At least for me, coming from a background of working from a very young age and knowing the only thing that can guarantee survival - is my determination to be alive. Adding to the frustration is having to postpone this semester of grad school until I get placed permanently and start making more $$$ - but knowing me, I won't be stopped. I can't. There's no plan B for me, and in this case my stubbornness will work to my advantage. I'll be back by the next term, I feel - June. I'd rather wait than do shitty work in the meantime, no? Not just to keep my 4.0; if anything just because I fucking hate shitty work.That's just not how I get down.

These days, fortunately, I did take some time to figure out what it's like to be still. I'm remembering what's important, and loving everything, before it all goes dark. So I also have a great deal of optimism for this year. This spring/summer particularly, are going to make or break it. Time is the only thing that will give me the answers that I'm looking for (shit knows people rarely do).

No, sir, I don't know what it is. This optimism - is it coming from this gut feeling that things will finally work the way they should to bring happiness, love, knowledge, my fucking COUCH, a bigger apartment/house, fun and awesome shit I've been thinkin' about - ? Is it the feeling that something bigger has been worth this uncomfortable downturn in between (working at this bioscience lab developing cancer therapies, I would definitely consider "bigger and better," so let's hope...) - ? Is it the feeling that someone will finally get me and know that every dumb thing I say and do is with a smile on my face and love in my heart - ? Or is it a sense that maybe things will not work as I have been hoping but I'll reach the threshold at which I can be OK with this and walk away having learned something - ? Wait, I don't like that option. bah!

Sometimes there's just no reasoning these feelings... Que es lo que es. They are the fucking MEMOS we send to ourselves when we are not busy letting everything slip by despite trying to be in control. YEAH, THE MEMO - DID YOU GET IT? I gotta check the INBOX more often, and remind myself to slow down and listen and learn and not run into parking meters and light posts. Lack of patience does not mix well with being super hyped on things to come.

I'm always in awe of the world, good or bad; nothing surprises me anymore yet everything fascinates me. No, this time I don't have an answer. I do not know what is to come. Something huge (or many things) will change this year. All I do know is that it's taken me a long fucking time to get here, and something's telling me to stick it out until the end. If I've ever owed anything, it's that. And I'm just hoping it will be good.

"5 of the 7 cards are on the table" - "But then where are the other two?"

- who knows.