I am looking forward to beginning my BUS620, Economics course. June 27. It will be so good to be back in school mode, pushing myself.

I am looking forward to this summer.

We can't save anyone but ourselves.

I am finding the very thin line between patience and stupidity, and treading far too heavily in the wrong direction.

I think it is absurd LLC's pay a minimum tax in CA of $800, while Corps (or filing as an S-Corp) only pay a percentage of gross receipts but are so strict/formal and expensive to run. I had all my shit in line to register HELLABORING as an LLC this morning, then decided I didn't feel like coughing up $1K just to get everything filed with the sec. of state, permits/licenses/statement of organization in order, and pay the 2011 minimum tax. Maybe next time y'all.

I am coming around to a place of needing to finish the things I have started.

I am coming around to a place of needing to start the things I have been thinking about starting.

I am coming around to a place of being annoyed at being annoyed. Frustrated with being frustrated.

I'm coming around...

You can't talk a loyal girl out of love any more than remove a stubborn curl from the hair. You have to burn it enough times until it lays flat, completely changed from its natural state.

One of the best things about being a woman is you always know when something isn't right. One of the worst things about being a woman is you always know when something isn't right.

With time I've just learned to handle it differently I suppose.

Some days I'm so in love with the world. Like today. Despite being in excruciating pain.

When I'm bombed I stretch like bubble gum... because you're fire. Because you're a fire escape.

If I've learned anything it's that people will always do what they want; now, then, before and ever after. Whether I am alive or dead.

In trying to protect our self from the outside world... from love... we perpetuate inauthenticity with the people who love us. With the world. There is nothing more heart breaking than being utterly unwilling to care. The one thing that makes us most human is dead. That's when you know... "Everything in life moves toward its end."

Other days I have to ask myself, "Why?" Why the torture. Over, and over. Ignoring what I know isn't right.

Well...

Because, some days,

I'm just so

in

love.

Today I read this strange article about why humans select mates biologically for reproduction yet mentally/emotionally select people with similar traits to horrible people in our lives to complete the healing process of adults who hurt us during our childhood. 

Oh Yes

there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than
too late.

- Bukowski

In an effort to make 'em all see what I found in my life I decided to give 'em a look
None of 'em gave it a glimpse and I guess that I'm sitting in the middle of an unread book
Letters are falling apart but the sentences stand on their own and the wording is permanent
Never been missed, I've just been misworded and misinterpreted-

I'm a veteran of spatial relationships
- Put me in a special kind of case that only breaks if
You hit it with a bouquet of flowers and baby breath arrangements

The vault is vacant
They're all looking for fault or blame
I called my agent The moment that I caught the train
I let him know I'm going nowhere, and he's invited
If he leaves tonight then he just might help me find it
But this is my burden to bear, not his
And I'm a psychic without a sidekick holding the future hostage
A loose cannon standing on the rooftop with
A new respect and understanding of bartenders and locksmiths

They call me daredevil but I'm not precise enough
Unprofessional on an amateur level, I love my life too much

I'm in two places at once
Escape Artist
I ain't slept in months
Escape Artist
I'm just trying to get away

[sage francis]

"Patrick Carnes (2001) argues that when children are growing up, they develop "core beliefs" through the way their family functions and treats them. A child brought up in a family that takes proper care of them has good chances of growing up well, having faith in other people, and having self worth. On the other hand, a child who grows up in a family that neglects them will develop unhealthy and negative core beliefs. They grow up to believe that people in the world do not care about them. Later in life, the person has trouble keeping stable relationships and feels isolated."

I had all these feelings earlier that I had intended to rant about; I can't for the life of me remember them. It's funny I should forget them, as they were my feelings and they sure as fuck haven't gone anywhere... but I keep finding myself numb and impatient with it... On to the next one.

My life becomes exponentially simpler the longer I remain isolated. Tasks are completed; assignments are fulfilled; appointments are met; finances are balanced; promises are kept. I am the last remaining liability to... myself. Yet it becomes incalcuably more complex. Any time a void becomes bigger than your desire to fill it, bad things are bound to happen... I become completely and utterly turned off by all people. I miscalculate my own capacity for misanthropy. I forget all the things I love and fret over things I miss. I ignore my capacity to create because all I want to do is destroy.

Sometimes I wish I'd just explode into a million pieces rather than the lazy, heartbreaking unravel that keeps me awake at night and puts so much pressure on my lungs. Or that I would just get an Rx for Valium and call it a day.

Hate is born from the same passion and desire for validity, security. Hate comes when you have failed to process the shortcomings of love and hope in external world to make internal amends, projecting it onto a person or thing, the mirror that has shown you this failure. To truly be devoid of love you must move beyond hate, to a state of indifference which does not allow for the failure of an ideal to consume energy.

When you have removed the validity and security that the sickness founded as it latched deeper into your Self, and reach indifference, hate becomes irrelevant. You are now free to move about the cabin.

I've got pictures with my darlings Jill & Drew yet to post from NYE 09/10, and a heart full of more of the same: love mixed with adoration mixed with utter frustration. I couldn't have wished for 2009 to end any differently—A smile on my face and not a drop of blood on my heart. Now 2010 begins with the futility of trying just within my grasp, and the reality of what the last year has been on the doorstep of the back of my mind. I've got a desk full of unexposed film and blank canvases. I'm remembering what's important, and loving it while I'm still here, before it all goes dark. I've been climbing all the wrong fences. But sometimes there's just no reasoning it... Que es lo que es. It's not up to me now to want more—what's right will be revealed in time. I just hope that I can make use of every mistake I've made up until now. Even if I can't ~calculate how far the plummet is... fuck it, I'm jumping~. If you need me—you know where to find me. I'll be true till death.