Dear Santa,
What's up, it's me. I realize this letter is SUPER late, I should have given you a bit more notice. I'm staying in SF this year, the tickets to New Mexico were insane so I won't be chillin with my family over the holiday. I'm super bummed on that, actually. But this will be my first Christmas back in SF since... 1998 or 1999. Weird!

OK I know this letter is equally addressable to God, but this time of year, he's prob busy planning Jesus' birthday party and I figure this is your job and your job is pretty fucking easy, once a year, so let's just go with it.

I've decided I have been left to my own devices for far too long and want to end the warpath I've been on while succeeding in channelling my boredom and frustration into fucking up my life. Seriously. I'm bored out of my mind!!! You see the stupid shit I get into when I have no purpose and no reponsibilities? COME ON! So this year you seriously need to bring me a boyfriend. Some basic requirements:

• He must have a Job/own source of income - I'm not against a 50/50 household I'm just saying I don't need to be supporting his ass. Full-Time fucking is not equivalent to government subsidy programs.
  
• He must have his own car
• Troublemakers should have ~$5,000 set aside for Bail, or equivalent bond resources. Should 10% of his release exceed $5,000, this could be bad.
• He should refrain at all times from dragging me up flights of stairs by my neck and then strangling me until I black out. Look, I know I can be irritating as hell sometimes, but that shit is not cool.
• In the cases where I am annoying the fuck out of him, he should have the balls to tell me so. I'd rather be butthurt over that for a few minutes than confused as hell as to what the fuck is wrong with him.
• I do not want/need to know the bacterial and pH imbalances of other women's vaginas, especially those of my "friends."
  
• I'm OK with alcoholics as long as he admits such and we can go from there. My first-hand experience with the COA structure and dysfunctions therein will allow me to act with fairness and compassion as long as it's out on the table and not some weird fucking issue.
• He should have a clear picture of what the fuck he wants and needs out of life/people--whether it's a love/hobby, goals, whatever. Something(s) that he cares about, that means something to him.
• He should have an idea of what the fuck he wants and expects from me too, and should be able to communciate that. I'm pretty sure all the stupid shit that ever happens is because people can't fucking own up to what they want and expect, and communicate that clearly.
  
• Must clean up well. Yum.
• Primarily dominant personality (Dominant is not controlling or tyrannical mind you). I prefer to be submissive at formal social engagements (such as when dressed up, etc), but I tend to vary. I'm not gonna try to cut off his balls in front of his friends or anything and likewise he shouldn't treat me like a hooker in public. Easy! Should be comfortable with both dominant and submissive roles in bed, though.
  
• NO VEGANS. WTF?
• If he cannot remember my birthday and basic holidays, he should have access to basic calendar functions of a cellphone or computer.
• No interveinous drug users, meth addicts, etc. This one's obvious.
• No one that is incredibly stifling and closed-minded. I'm into all kinds of shit, and I don't expect us to agree on everything as long as we're OK with that.
  
• In the case he dissapears for months on end, starts lying about where he is, treating me like shit, etc, all relationship guarantees become null & void.
  

oH Santa -- I do also need the actuators & beep beep installed in my car but that's gonna be like $700 so we'll work on getting my car shit done in the next few months OK? Word.